Facebook/Twitter/IRL PDA's

Well father, it's been 10 full days since my last confession and this is what's bothering me this time. It's the dreaded PDA, or Public/Personal Displays of Affection.

Now there's a PDA that everyone seems to enjoy.

Now call me cynical maybe since I haven't been in any kind of relationship in about 4 years, but hearing or seeing your love with my own eyes is something I'm not keen on. I think everyone deserves to be happy and in love and yadda yadda yadda, but I don't think I need to see or hear about it all the time.

Let's start off with the Facebook/Myspace/Twitter PDA's, which you might think are harmless little tidbits of love and rainbows that actually should brighten my day by letting me know that my friends and acquaintances are all happily in love. Well, they fuckin' don't. They do pretty much the opposite in fact.

It all starts off when the relationship becomes what we like to call "Facebook official." Urban Dictionary provides 2 great definitions of just what "Facebook official" means.

1. The ultimate definition of a college relationship - when on one's facebook profile it says "In A Relationship" and your significant other's name.
2. How you know shit's real.

If you don't understand what being "Facebook official" is all about after reading that, please find the nearest bridge and heave yourself off it. No one will miss you.

Now that we've cleared that up, on to my problem. Once your relationship becomes Facebook official, the whole world will find out about it. And that's fine. But then, the whole world might forget about it. And we sure as hell wouldn't want anyone forgetting about our lovely relationship, would we?

Abso-fuckin-lutely not. So what in the name of all that is holy and good and unicorn-like can we do to remind everyone about it. Oh yeah, we can spam our love as a Facebook status until either:

• We break up
• We get into a fight
• We die
• We realize no one gives a shit
• Facebook goes the way of Myspace and everyone forgets about it (Currently not an option)

Well, it looks like everyone knows how much I <3 my significant other today... but they might forget it tomorrow! Better remind my lovely girlfriend/boyfriend and everyone again! As you can see, this cycle of love for you turns into a cycle of cynicsm, suicidal thoughts, general roneryness, and hatred for everyone else who's not in such a happy, loving relationship.

So ronery...

So people, there's no need to shout your love from the Facebookian rooftops every goddamned day. We get it. I'm happy you're in love. Now shut your mouth.

As for Public Displays of Affection in the real world, here's what's acceptable:

1. A goodbye kiss, aka a peck, on the lips or cheek
2. Holding hands

That's it. No one needs to see you filming a porno on College Ave. There's no groping, butt squeezing, french kissing, anal probing, or fisting that needs to be involved. If any of these have occurred, you've gone too far.

But hey, remember guys... I'm just sayin.

-MN

P.S. You're Worfress Arec Bardrin.

Myspace/OkCupid/EHarmony/Facebook Angles

Welcome to the first ever post here on "I'm Just Sayin'..." where we'll cover everything and anything that crosses my mind and of course, use the magic disclaimer at my own personal whim. It should be fun, so thanks for coming along for the ride.

Now, without further adieu, my first topic: The dreaded Myspace/Facebook/OkCupid/eHarmony angles. (For those of you who aren't lonely, single bastards like myself, OkCupid is essentially eHarmony for people in their 20s)


If you're on any of these websites and you're trying to make a good, lasting first impression on anyone, your profile picture will do the trick. I've seen people use pictures of themselves doing anything from taking a shit, posing in the mirror looking like a prick with their iPhone, or falling around like they're Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas but with less dignity and without half of the drugs.

And that's all fun and good if you want to paint yourself as an arrogant assbag who values alcohol and debauchery more than anything else. Most people who engage in such activities are usually Jersey Shore-esque guidettes, dumb blondes, and general wastes of space and hindrances to society.



They're also usually mildly attractive, and can get away with such things. Look there, this lady's fine picture ended up on the internet, and maybe even on her own personal webspace, but I bet she doesn't give a damn.

But I digress. Most people will just have a normal picture of their face and body as their profile picture, which makes sense unless you're demented or me. There's no problem with showing your whole profile as your profile picture, unless your name is Freddy Kruger, you were dropped down the steps face first repeatedly as a child, or look like you've just escaped Aushwitz. Even then, I'd rather you post your normal face and body than resort to the dreaded angles.

The angles, as I've seen them, have many different ways of deception. There's the traditional "hold the camera overhead to show cleavage and avoid showing as much as honestly as possible." This seems to be the most logical way of attack for females (and some males) to hide their unwanted features and expose their better ones. (Aka more tits, less of everything else.)

In the words of the great Shamwow Vince, "I punched a hooker in the face!" Oh, wrong quote.... I meant "But wait, there's more!"

There are new, more innovative ways to hide your body from exposure such as, but not limited to:

• Wearing a turtleneck
• Extreme close ups
• Hiding behind people or inanimate objects
• Pictures from only the shoulders up
• And so on, and so on...
  

Here's my problem: if you're posting a picture of yourself using one of the evil angles on a website where you're trying to meet someone who might be remotely attracted to you, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE YOUR APPEARANCE!?

This isn't about being attractive or fat or thin or whatever. I'm a bit portly myself, so who am I to judge. But really, why hide it like that? How do you think your wanna be lover will take it when he finds out you're really not what you've shown them? They might roundhouse kick you in the face for being a lying ass clown.

Next time you girls or guys out there think about deceiving the world with a Myspace angle for your profile picture, just don't do it. If you do I'll find you and put you in the sleeper hold Rowdy Roddy Piper style.

Except you won't get up like Hulk Hogan. Unless you are Hulk Hogan.

Anyway, be honest on the internet people. I'm just sayin'...

-MN